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5 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Have You Experienced It Without Even Realizing?

by Dr. Michael Haggstrom

In this article:

Something Feels Wrong—But You Can’t Quite Name It

You wake up exhausted. Drained. Always questioning yourself.

It’s not in your head. It’s not ‘just a rough patch.’

This is what narcissistic abuse feels like:

  • “Why do I always feel like the bad one?”
  • “Why do I second-guess everything I say and do?”
  • “Why does this person act so different when no one else is watching?”

The truth? Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always look like abuse.

It’s slow. Subtle. Designed to make you question your own mind.

According to a study in Frontiers in Psychology, victims of narcissistic abuse often experience a prolonged state of confusion and self-doubt due to psychological manipulation (Miano et al., 2022).

So if you’re struggling to make sense of it all—you’re not alone.

What is narcissistic abuse? Signs and symptoms of relationship trauma
  • It isn’t just shouting or insults. It’s the slow, subtle dismantling of your reality.

The Most Important Sign You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse

Forget trying to “diagnose” whether someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

That’s not what matters.

Here’s what does:

  • How did the relationship affect you?
  • Did it make you feel smaller, anxious, powerless?
  • Did it warp your sense of reality?

Because narcissistic abuse isn’t just about what they do.

  • It’s about how you are left feeling.

Narcissistic abuse is rarely obvious.

It's can be sneaky and underhanded—performed with a smile.

Narcissists create an environment of ongoing invalidation to undermine your self-confidence.

They erode your ability to trust yourself.

When this persists, over time you learn to feel small and become submissive to their wishes—most often, without even knowing it.

This is abuse.

This becomes trauma.

Dr. Michael Haggstrom clinical psychology expert calgary alberta canada

"Narcissistic abuse isn’t always loud. It can be a whisper, a smirk, a well-timed silence that makes you doubt everything you knew was real."

- Dr. Michael Haggstrom

5 Core Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

1. You Feel Like You’re Constantly “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

  • No matter what you do, it’s never quite right.
  • You’re accused of being either too emotional, too needy, too sensitive—or ungrateful, selfish.
  • You shrink yourself down, hoping to be accepted—but the goalpost keeps moving.

✅ Why?

Because narcissists use shame as a weapon. They make you feel defective so you’ll keep proving your worth to them (Young et al., 2003).

2. They Were So Loving At First… Then Everything Changed

  • At first, they made you feel seen, chosen, adored.
  • You thought, Finally, someone who understands me.
  • Then came the criticism, the withdrawal, the hot-and-cold games.

✅ Why?

Because love-bombing is part of the abuse. It’s not just the insults or gaslighting that harm you—it’s the push-pull cycle that gets you addicted (Carnes, 2019).

3. They Twist Reality Until You Don’t Know What’s True Anymore

  • “I never said that.” (Even though you remember it clearly.)
  • “You’re imagining things.” (Even though your gut is screaming otherwise.)
  • “You’re being too sensitive.” (Even though they were cruel.)

✅ Why?

This is gaslighting—a psychological war tactic designed to make you doubt your own mind so you rely on them instead (Sweet, 2019).

4. They’re Loved by Others—But Behind Closed Doors, It’s Different

  • They’re charming, respected, admired.
  • People say, “But they’re so nice! Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
  • Meanwhile, you’re walking on eggshells, emotionally exhausted.

✅ Why?

Because narcissists care about their image more than anything (Buss & Shackelford, 1997).

5. You’ve Started Blaming Yourself for Everything

  • If they’re unhappy, it must be your fault.
  • If they’re distant, you must have done something wrong.
  • If they explode at you, you must have provoked them.

✅ Why?

Because you’ve been conditioned to take the blame. Many empaths mistake their chronic agreeableness for kindness—when in reality, it’s a trauma response (van der Kolk, 2014).

Narcissistic husband abuses wife psychological manipulation
Dr. Michael Haggstrom clinical psychology expert calgary alberta canada

"Narcissistic abuse isn’t just about what they do—it’s about how you’re left feeling. If you’ve been walking on eggshells, questioning yourself, and slowly losing your voice, that’s your answer."

- Dr. Michael Haggstrom

Abuse Isn’t Just Partners—It’s Parents, Bosses, Teachers, Friends

If you’ve been reading this and nodding along, it wasn’t just a “bad relationship.”

Narcissistic abuse can come from:

  • A parent who manipulated you through guilt.
  • A partner who made you feel like you were never enough.
  • A boss who controlled you through fear.
  • A friend who subtly kept putting you down, while keeping you close.

And because it’s often disguised as care or concern, it takes years to realize what was really happening.

You Are Not Broken—You Were Conditioned

If this feels uncomfortably familiar, you are not crazy. You are not weak.

  • You were conditioned to survive in an environment that made you question yourself.

But awareness is power. The next step is reclaiming yourself—before this pattern repeats.

Self-Reflection: Breaking Free from Their Grip

Healing starts with seeing the truth of what happened.

✏️ Take a moment to answer these for yourself:

1. What’s one moment that still plays in your mind—something they said or did—that you brushed off, but deep down, still hurts?

2. Can you remember the first time you swallowed your feelings to keep the peace? The first time you felt their approval slip away and blamed yourself?

3. If you didn’t have to fear their reaction, what’s something you wish you could say to them?

Your answers matter.

The more you put them into words, the clearer the truth becomes.

What to Do Next: The SmartEmpath® Healing Guide

"You’ve spent too long questioning yourself. It’s time to get all the answers."

- Dr. Michael Haggstrom

Download the FREE SmartEmpath® E-Book—where you’ll find:

  • Assessment: The 25 Signs You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse
  • Knowledge: The 11 Types of Narcissists
  • Science: Why People-Pleasing May Actually Be a Trauma Response
Sign up for narcissistic abuse recovery course lessons healedminds.com

The moment you understand what happened—everything changes.

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Dr. Michael Haggstrom clinical psychology expert calgary alberta canada

"You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. You were conditioned to abandon yourself to keep the peace. But the truth is—your peace was never their priority."

- Dr. Michael Haggstrom

References & Research: Miano, P., Grassi, L., Riba, M., & Santini, A. (2022). Psychological consequences of narcissistic abuse: A review of clinical and empirical studies. Frontiers in Psychology. ♦︎ Carnes, P. (2019). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications. ♦︎ Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. ♦︎ Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). The evolution of jealousy and envy: Psychological underpinnings of narcissistic behavior. Psychological Bulletin, 121(3), 335-345. ♦︎ van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

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